Chapter 1: Etiquette and The Park Criminal Force

I've lived in Orlando all my life, and I couldn't even begin to fathom how many times I've been to the Parks. As you get older, you enjoy it for the same reasons but with a much more different rationale. When you're a child, everything looks so....BIG. It's bright, shiny, and filled with more colors that you never new existed. You want to know who lives in the castle, what's inside this building, where is this character and that character? How much stuff can I take home with me?

When you're older, it's no longer about you. You begin to see the bigger picture. You realize it took a lot of people and a lot of creative minds to put all of this color and wonder together, and they did it for us. You see all of the little details in the buildings, architecture, rides, and shows. You learn the inspiration and drive behind everything you love at these parks, albeit movies, shows, people, etc. You realize that sometimes what makes an atmosphere is having all these visitors appreciate and react to something at the same time as you.

Unfortunately, you also begin to realize that not a lot of people do appreciate it. Or, frankly, only care about their visit and how awesome they need to look without realizing that their behaviors affect those around them.

I see them way too often....The Trespasser, The Underdresser, The Pushover, The iPod Addict, The Field Trippers, The Loud Family, The Lost Stoppers, The Odorizer, and the most dreadful of them all...The Unimaginative.

Here's a break down of these Park criminals:

* THE TRESPASSER(S)

You know when you find a great photograph spot? It's either the place you always overlook and suddenly find like a treasure trove, or the spot where people wait in line to snap for. You go and stand in your favorite pose while your significant other lines up the camera for the perfect shot. And right before they press the button, THAT guy walk into your shot. Walks right in, and doesn't even acknowledge your presence. You and your partner look at each other, completely dumbfounded and try again, lining up the shot. And then MORE people walk through. Seriously? And then even more people walk through, and there's always that one person in the group that tries to rush by and apologizes. NO. How about you just wait until the photo is taken instead of just trespassing in our space? You end up getting one good photo, but the rest of them have the backs or profiles of strangers on the left or right side of the photograph...and you look annoyed. That one good photo is a treasure knowing that you're just rushing the rest of the time so other people can have a turn.

Lesson: If you obviously see someone is trying to take a photograph, just stop and wait. Or even better? Walk around!

* THE UNDERDRESSER

It's hot in Florida. I get it. In the summer, with hundreds of thousands of other people plus the 100 degree weather, I can see where you may get a little uncomfortable. You may get a *tad* bit sweaty. But my question is this: Is that any reason to be walking around half naked at a family theme park? And why is it that it's usually the people who shouldn't be wearing tight shorts and a bikini top that do wear them? Yes it's hot, but wearing a little bit longer shorts and a loose tank top, sleeveless shirt, or light T-shirt would have the same, if not better, effect of keeping you cool then just a too small bikini top with sweat dripping all over you. It's gross. Come on, be modest. Just because you're comfortable with your body doesn't mean you have to flaunt it. I say this for women-and men-of any size and shape. I get just as pissed off at a skinny teenage girl walking around in a bathing suit top and Miley Cyrus shorts as a I would a middle-aged, overweight woman. It's not appropriate. There are women who come from all around the world who dress in long sleeves and pants in the middle of summer out of respect for their culture and people, so if they can handle it, we can handle a T-shirt.

Lesson: There's a big difference between confidence and denial.

* THE PUSHOVER

The more I see mothers and misbehaving children at theme parks, the more I fear for the upcoming generations. These kids get away with everything nowadays. When Revy and I went to Magic Kingdom one weekend, and stopped to get a bite at Pinocchio's Haus, there was a woman with a double stroller (curse whoever invented those) who was walking in front of us. Her kids were screaming for food. As soon as Revy and I manage to escape the noise and get our food, we walk over to a table overlooking the inside of It's A Small World. Not even five minutes later, I hear the squeaky wheels of the double stroller and then the mother and troublesome kids sitting at the table next to us.

The screaming ensues.

The older child gets on top of the table and stands there, and proceeds to wipe his dirty little hands all over the glass that overlooks the ride. He's slapping and streaking all those germs and prints over it. I cringed and dreamed of hand sanitizer. But get this...instead of disciplining this child, the mother is feeding. him. french fries; while he's standing on the table! Wiping his gross hands all over the place! Meanwhile the other child is smacking his sippy cup on the tray of the stroller and emitting that high, cringe-worthy scream that you fear hearing.

I don't think I've eaten a meal faster in my life.

It's just insane how women just let their children walk all over them and let them get away with so much! Is that how you would want your kids to act in your home? Or at a guest's home? Is that how you would want a guest's kids to act in your own home? Any rational thinking human being would say, of course not! And there really is no excuse. Pack some snacks and small toys to keep kids occupied. Practice positive reinforcement and reward good behavior. Reprimand only when necessary and not loudly in front of big crowds. There's always the last and final solution: If they act up, go home. And mean it when you say it.

Lesson: You're the parent for a reason.


* THE IPOD ADDICT

I have a big problem with the youth of America. Technology has made it impossible for most of present day Americans to live without their cell phones, Blackberries, portable gaming systems, and most predominantly...their Ipods.

Oh, how I hate the iPod. And now we have the iPad.

I love music, don't get me wrong. I listen to it all the time and I couldn't live without it. However, there is a time and a place for everything. Walking around a theme park, especially if you're there with family and it's the first time, with those little white headphones stuck in your ears is completely disrespectful. How are you supposed to take in all the sights-and sounds, duh!-of everything these lands have to offer while you're too busy listening to Party in the USA or Booty Jams blasting in your ears? Would you be listening to your ipod during your sibling's graduation? Or their wedding? Money is hard to come by nowadays and tickets are expensive. When your family is spending money on you to enjoy the day, it's disgraceful that you can't even put away your music or phone to spend that precious time with them. If I had a nickel for every time I saw some punk ass teenager ignoring their parents or friends while they ho-hummed their way in line, I'd buy annual tickets for every single theme park on the planet.

Lesson: Family is much more valuable than Justin Bieber's new single.


* THE FIELD TRIPPERS

They come in flocks with their neon-colored T-shirts, in all shapes, sizes, and ages. They bring their ipods (ugh), cameras, cell phones, and different colored, faux 80's, Ray Ban wayfarers. They're loud, obnoxious, and not appreciative of theme park property. They climb around, leave trash in the wall crevasses of ride lines instead of the designated trash receptacles, and laugh at things that aren't funny. And even more annoying....they chant.

Waiting in line for The Dragon Challenge in WWOHP, formerly known as Dueling Dragons, there was a group of Field Trippers that started singing old pop songs. It wasn't one of those times when someone starts a round of Kumbaya and everyone joins in. Oh no. It was a time when these kids started singing a horrible, off key rendition of an NSYNC song and everyone else was covering their ears and yelling an occasional "shut up!". There was no stopping them.

And on this note: What the hell ever happened to chaperones?! The times that I have seen the Field Trippers, there is almost never an adult supervising them, and if they are they would be classified as one of The Pushovers (it really is a vicious cycle). Discipline, discipline.

Lesson: Save the chants for the campfire; R.I.P Art of Good Chaperoning.


*THE LOUD FAMILY

Self-explanatory. It's pretty bad if the people in the back of the line can hear every word of your conversation to your Aunt Tina on the phone. I know she did you wrong! My suggestion would be to put some ex-lax in her slice of pie during Thanksgiving dinner.

Lesson: Just shut up.


* THE LOST STOPPERS

There is nothing else that drives me more crazy than this group of people. The bad part, is half of the time, most people don't know that they're doing it. I see this more with new visitors. They have maps and brochures in hand, and are trying to figure out where to go next. They're walking down the middle of road/walkway, and what do they do? They. STOP. Right in the middle of where you're walking so that you have to stop and either walk around--if there's space--or just crash into them. They STOP right in the middle of doorways and entrances. Aside from newcomers, another trending culprit would be anyone with a stroller. The more stuff they have, the bigger space they take, the more likely they're going to stop in your way.

If you don't know where to go, then go to the corner and figure it out!

Lesson: A game plan and lively step is the key.


* THE ODORIZER

This one is simple. There's nothing worse than being in a long line for a ride on a hot summer day and the person in front of you, drenched and sweat and pit stains, smells like horrible B.O. It's not necessarily something that that particular person can help (physiologically), but for the sake of all others in line or around you, please wear lots of deodorant. At least you'd be trying!
Lesson: Don't skimp on the Secret.


* THE UNIMAGINATIVE

There are people in this world who do things and go places for the sake of saying that they did it or that they went. They use it as a status symbol and as a free card for bragging at the executive water cooler the next day. More than likely, The Unimaginative is possibly a good mixture of all these other Park criminals put together. They don't give a fart in space about anyone else there, nor about the incredible amount of work, determination, and creative genius that the Park employees and TMs have to put in to make it what it is. Seventy-five percent of the time they are probably on the phone: talking, playing, texting...and if not, they're walking around with a matching Bluetooth (Blueteeth?) in their ears. They're pushing, prodding, yelling, Trespassing, smacking gum in their mouths like cows chewing on grass. They're covered in expensive brands and stopping in the middle of walkways. They're renting the wheelchair just because they don't want to walk. They take 50 napkins and leave the next person in line with none. They leave water bottles on seats, tables, and resting areas. They put out their cigarettes all over the ground. They deface property. They yell at TMs and make working at the Parks a living hell.

They are every single type of obnoxious.

And it's sad. It's sad that people like me, Revy, and my readers appreciate the Parks for the magic that they exude; for the desire of wanting to feel what you haven't felt in a long time-to feel small, to feel like a kid again, to have everything be just about colors and size. To not worry about all these people, because to you-just being there in that magical place is important. It's not about the money to kids. It's not about the music that can wait until the car ride home. It's not about the noisy children and unhygienic people. It's not about the long waits, the costly food, or the extreme weather.

To us, to fans, it's about wanting to be a part of this big picture; to experience and to learn. To swim in those colors again and see more of what you've been missing being stuck in an office five days a week. To honor those who drew, built, cried, bled, and imagined for these places...so that we can have FUN. The thing that we understand, that these criminals can't, is that we can have that fun, but let others revel in it too.

Lesson: Be that kid again, just a well-behaved one.

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Coming soon: The Curse of The Black-Out Dates